As a new year dawns I find myself in that very familiar place of looking back and looking forward in the same motion. I'm still writing the wrong year on everything and I am still remembering things I needed to get done that didn't quite make the checklist. I'm making plans for days that haven't come and starting to analyze things that may not even happen. I find myself filled with resolve mingled with regret. It's the process of leaving one year behind and diving into the next.
But this new year seems different somehow. It sounds strange but looking back I can remember feeling anxiety over the unknown that is to come. I didn't think much about it then, but it was part of the process. It seemed almost second nature to walk forward with hesitant steps. There was hope and a brightness to the future but it all seemed to be throttled by the unknown. It felt like turning a corner with your head first in stead of your feet, always checking the sidelines to see what could be coming your way. This is natural and a safe way of pressing forward. It's wise to look ahead. It just makes sense to take caution in your steps and be aware that every step you take ultimately defines where your destination will be. Nothing wrong with proceeding slowly. But the reservations didn't come from wisely ordering my steps. It wasn't like I was contemplating every choice with an understanding of what consequences may come. It was more like walking through a dark room you're not familiar with. It was fear that drove my caution. It was the uncertainty of it all that made my steps so methodical.
But this year I feel an altogether different momentum taking place. My hearts desire is to tread carefully and prayerfully but not because of the unknown. I want to be methodical and think about each step and decision but it's not driven from fear or doubt. No, this year it's quite the opposite. I am discovering a confidence that I've never known before.
It's not confidence in myself or my ability to cease the moment and make the best out of all my days. It's a confidence and certainty that comes from knowing that I am in the center of God's will. It's an understanding of Who He is that makes my way so sure. I've seen Him lead and I know His voice. I've watched Him provide and I am familiar with His strong hand. For the first time that I can remember I am ok with the unknown. I don't find the anxiety I've felt so many times before. I'm finding comfort in my inability to see the future or even make sense of the present. This is possible because I know Who He is.
In the nostalgia of looking back I am able to see His providence and grace leading and providing. I can see all the times He used my adversity to mold me and make me. I see the scars left by the enemy and can now see that it was His merciful hand that allowed it for my good and spared me from being consumed. I can see that time after time, and year after year God was ordering my steps. At times it was the gentle whisper of His voice that moved me. Other times it was his strong hand pushing me and breaking my will. Looking back I can now see that God was working all things together for my good.
In most cases I would claim the victory. I would pat myself on the back like Kelly Clarkson and shout "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!" But as I knew then and wouldn't admit, I still know that God was the one who was victorious. It was God that overcame. He overcame me and my mistakes. He overcame the obstacles and distractions. He led me through the valleys and rushed me from the mountains when my arrogance got out of hand. It was Him all along. He was moving and working to get me to this point. It wasn't about getting me to my current role in ministry. It wasn't even about getting me in the right position to be used. It was about getting me to this place of confidence in Him.
As I face a new year, I am aware that there will be adversity. I get that. I know I will blow it more than I get it right. That's a given. I know that I will not always get it right and won't always be a shining example of leadership and grace. Sure. I am also aware (and this is where the transformation happens) that in the midst of all of that, He will not change. He will not falter. He will not fail. He will not stumble. He will not compromise. He will not break His promises. The same God who has brought me safe thus far, will lead me safely on. That truth is where we find our confidence. I shift and I bend. There is no shadow of turning with Him.
It comes down to this: I don't have the answers but He does. I don't know the path but He does. I can't defeat sin but He has. I don't always get it right but He does. My confidence is not in myself, it's in Him. Chris Tomlin said it well when he said "It will be my joy to say, 'Your will, Your way."
It's a new year but He is the same God.
But this new year seems different somehow. It sounds strange but looking back I can remember feeling anxiety over the unknown that is to come. I didn't think much about it then, but it was part of the process. It seemed almost second nature to walk forward with hesitant steps. There was hope and a brightness to the future but it all seemed to be throttled by the unknown. It felt like turning a corner with your head first in stead of your feet, always checking the sidelines to see what could be coming your way. This is natural and a safe way of pressing forward. It's wise to look ahead. It just makes sense to take caution in your steps and be aware that every step you take ultimately defines where your destination will be. Nothing wrong with proceeding slowly. But the reservations didn't come from wisely ordering my steps. It wasn't like I was contemplating every choice with an understanding of what consequences may come. It was more like walking through a dark room you're not familiar with. It was fear that drove my caution. It was the uncertainty of it all that made my steps so methodical.
But this year I feel an altogether different momentum taking place. My hearts desire is to tread carefully and prayerfully but not because of the unknown. I want to be methodical and think about each step and decision but it's not driven from fear or doubt. No, this year it's quite the opposite. I am discovering a confidence that I've never known before.
It's not confidence in myself or my ability to cease the moment and make the best out of all my days. It's a confidence and certainty that comes from knowing that I am in the center of God's will. It's an understanding of Who He is that makes my way so sure. I've seen Him lead and I know His voice. I've watched Him provide and I am familiar with His strong hand. For the first time that I can remember I am ok with the unknown. I don't find the anxiety I've felt so many times before. I'm finding comfort in my inability to see the future or even make sense of the present. This is possible because I know Who He is.
In the nostalgia of looking back I am able to see His providence and grace leading and providing. I can see all the times He used my adversity to mold me and make me. I see the scars left by the enemy and can now see that it was His merciful hand that allowed it for my good and spared me from being consumed. I can see that time after time, and year after year God was ordering my steps. At times it was the gentle whisper of His voice that moved me. Other times it was his strong hand pushing me and breaking my will. Looking back I can now see that God was working all things together for my good.
In most cases I would claim the victory. I would pat myself on the back like Kelly Clarkson and shout "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!" But as I knew then and wouldn't admit, I still know that God was the one who was victorious. It was God that overcame. He overcame me and my mistakes. He overcame the obstacles and distractions. He led me through the valleys and rushed me from the mountains when my arrogance got out of hand. It was Him all along. He was moving and working to get me to this point. It wasn't about getting me to my current role in ministry. It wasn't even about getting me in the right position to be used. It was about getting me to this place of confidence in Him.
As I face a new year, I am aware that there will be adversity. I get that. I know I will blow it more than I get it right. That's a given. I know that I will not always get it right and won't always be a shining example of leadership and grace. Sure. I am also aware (and this is where the transformation happens) that in the midst of all of that, He will not change. He will not falter. He will not fail. He will not stumble. He will not compromise. He will not break His promises. The same God who has brought me safe thus far, will lead me safely on. That truth is where we find our confidence. I shift and I bend. There is no shadow of turning with Him.
It comes down to this: I don't have the answers but He does. I don't know the path but He does. I can't defeat sin but He has. I don't always get it right but He does. My confidence is not in myself, it's in Him. Chris Tomlin said it well when he said "It will be my joy to say, 'Your will, Your way."
It's a new year but He is the same God.
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