It Was Yesterday...

 

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I have heard your mom say things like, "It just doesn't seem real" or "I can't believe this is really happening."

I know what she means by a statement like that and it really is hard to believe. But I confess that I am struggling with the particular phrasing a bit. When someone says something like, "It doesn't seem real" it suggests that whatever is being referenced is somehow detached from actual reality. What they mean is whatever "it" is, is more like a dream, some out of body experience, or a trip to... The Twilight Zone. Son, I'm struggling with statements like that because I am in fact, struggling with the reality itself. You see, this is no dream.

She says... "It just doesn't seem real" and she's right because just 24 hours ago everything was different. It can't be real, literally. Everything was different just yesterday...

Today, you and I are getting our hair cut and I am an absolute mess. I'm normally not this emotional over something as small as basic grooming, but today's appointment is more than a monthly trim. You and I both are filled with emotions over this haircut. Some are shared emotions and some are totally different. For instance, you're fired up to be at the Chattanooga Beard Company, to be certifiably manscaped. You strut in with your baby-beard as if you are Willie Robertson, absolutely no shame in your game. Honestly, its a thrill just to be here and watch your peacock display go down. Then, there are the emotions that surround the purpose of the haircut itself. For you, its mixed-bag of awkwardness and excitement, and for me, the emotions are too deep and too raw to even begin to describe. But of course, I will try. That's why we're here.

Today, you are getting a haircut because tomorrow you are having your picture made, thus the awkwardness in the mixed-bag of your emotions. You "love" pictures as much as I do, and that is not much at all. In that same bag of your emotions is the excitement because of what those pictures represent. To you, they represent the end of the beginning, endless possibilities, and high-quality images of you looking sharp while shooting a bow and slinging a fishing rod. To me, they represent the crushing reality of the inevitability of time, strangely mingled with the overwhelming pride of a father.

Today you're getting a haircut because tomorrow you are having your Senior Pictures taken. I can say with your mom, "It doesn't seem real." In fact, it can't be real. It's impossible for you to have your Senior Pictures made tomorrow because I took pictures of you just yesterday.

Literally, yesterday. As in Today Eve. The day before today. Twenty-four hours prior to now. 1,440 minutes ago. 86,400 seconds before this second, that's you in the photo resting in your mom's arms.

I am not sure how scientifically or chronologically it is possible that we are even having a discussion regarding the so-called "Senior Pictures". If anything, we might possibly discuss pictures of your mom and me choosing safety handles for the showers and installing a handicap ramp at the house for us, maybe. Technically, for your mom, since she is so much older than I am, but I digress. The point is, it can't be time for your Senior Pictures. We just took your picture yesterday.

Just yesterday we stood before our friends and family and publically dedicated you to the Lord and asked Him once again to take your life and use it however He saw fit. That was yesterday...

Yesterday your mom and I were told by the doctors that you had some kind of blood disorder that not even they knew much about. All they could say was that the road ahead would be long and hard for you. It was just last night that we waited for hours in the hospital room as they performed two experimental transfusions in an attempt to bring your blood levels under control and confirm their suspicions. 

Son, it was yesterday that we walked out of the hospital with you, not knowing what was ahead but confident with all our wisdom we could handle whatever came our way. It was last night we gave you your first bath at home and you screamed for forty-five minutes and taught us that we didn't even know how to bathe you properly, much less raise you.

I once heard a story about a man who had an accident on the way to the hospital where his wife was giving birth to their first child. He went into a coma and didn't wake up for 17 years.

That would be the only explanation for you having your Senior Pictures tomorrow. But again, there is a major problem with this timeline. You just had pictures yesterday. I have photographic evidence to back up my argument. Remember Cooter's? You should, it was yesterday. As a matter of fact, I would bet money you can still fit into the "01" hoodie we bought you from Cooter's Garage yesterday. You love that hoodie. As soon as we bought it, right after we took this picture, you insisted on wearing it and so it became part of your body. We ate lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe right after that visit yesterday. I spent the whole lunch explaining who all the people were on the walls. They had original hand-written lyrics to "Stone Free" by Jimmy Hendrix on the wall. Yesterday was your first semester at the School of Rock.

I know that quarantine has everyone messed up. I recently went four days not knowing what day it was and I was too embarrassed to ask. But I am telling you, there is no way that you are having Senior Pictures tomorrow because I just took this picture yesterday.

That's you, straight draining a Chocolate TruMoo at Dade Elementary when I came to eat lunch with you. You were being super selfish and wouldn't let me have any of it. I assume because of social distancing. You had chicken-nuggets and corn. You know how I know? Because it was yesterday.

I stood up against the wall in the cafeteria and waited for your class to come in. Apparently, you were well behaved yesterday because you were the line leader. Working for that "Best Blue". You see, this is why I am having such a hard time with all of this. I saw you there just yesterday, three-foot-nothing, bouncing in the lunchroom, leading your classmates with your head thrown back in pride and a smile on your face like you were King Snack-pack of Lunchtopia. 

It was yesterday, son. You looked at your teacher, pointed at me, and sprinted over, jumped your two-inch verticle, and gave me a high-five. Yesterday.

Your game was yesterday. Your first "real" basketball game on a team was yesterday. Rocking that "5-0". You didn't want to be like Tyler Hansbrough, in your mind you were Tyler Hansbrough, and as far as we were concerned you were much bigger than that. You were Trevor.

Sure, you were still three-foot-nothing, your shorts were too big, and you weren't the biggest kid on the court, but you were T-R-E-V-O-R (take a breath) T-R-I-V-E-T-T-E! You were fearless, ruthless, and for the most part, like every other kid out there, clueless. But we screamed and cheered like we were watching Michael Jordan playing in the finals with the flu. You were just a little ball yourself but you were our little baller. That was yesterday.

Hamilton County, TN requires a student to have 20+ Credits in order to be a High School Graduate. Further evidence that it is impossible for you to have your Senior Pictures tomorrow. You've got a lot going for you in this picture but no High School Credits. I took this picture yesterday...

For crying out loud, it was just yesterday that we went to WDEF so that you could be a Kid-Caster on the news. It was just last week that you snuck and sent an email to the station describing your (ahem) "life-long dream" of becoming a meteorologist. You had your big break and that was yesterday...

Your mom and I had no idea that you had even sent that email until we received the good news that you had been chosen to give your weather report on-air. So yesterday we dressed you up and took you down to the station where you gave your very first forecast. It remains to be seen how far your "dream" weatherman career will go, seeing as how you're still just a small boy and you just gave said report yesterday. After all, as you said it is your "dream". I'm sure you will be ducking stop signs in hurricanes with Jim Cantore on the Weather Channel very soon.

It's not that it doesn't seem real. That's the problem. It is real. As real as you are standing here right now, all of this and so much more happened just yesterday. 

Earlier, I described my emotions as a mixed-bag with the crushing reality of the inevitability of time, strangely mingled with the overwhelming pride of a father. Within that crushing reality and the overwhelming pride are layers that I am trying desperately to coexist with. 

Paul says in Ephesians 5:15,16 that we are to "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil." I have seen the fruit of wasted time in my life over and over again. You have also seen that fruit borne out in my life. One of the consequences of those days and years is the regret of wasted time. The response to the consequence of regret has been a sincere effort to not waste time like I did before. 

Here lately, I find myself distracted with these annoying moments of honest reflection. They're usually brought on by thinking about yesterday. I come home from the office and inadvertently stumble into a conversation you and your mom are having about graduation or college. Again, I am totally bewildered by all of this because you are a small child. I sift through a pile of mail and there is a letter from a university addressed to you and my ears start ringing. I come in and you are all fired up to show me something you received in the mail and it's from the Marines and all at once, I can't breathe. Why would the Marines send a toddler recruiting material?

After moments like these, I find my mind drifting. It's hard to describe what happens. There are flash images of you followed by images of me. My choices, reactions, words, behaviors, and interactions with you play like the reel from Super-8 Camera on a dark screen in the back of my mind. In the front of my mind, I am in constant reflection and questions fly into my thoughts like rapid-fire bullets from a machine-gun. Like the close of Presidential Press Conference the questions seem to come from every corner of my mind, more and more by the second. Before one question can be finished another seems to pop up from the recesses of the abyss. With all the noise, there is really only one question being asked...

"What did you do with yesterday?"

Trevor, I want to be clear about this question. You know what we have taught you and what you have learned first-hand. Because of Christ, we do not have to live in regret over the sins that have been covered by His grace, and we don't live in dread of the future because of the living hope that we have in Him. The message of the Gospel has been the theme of every conversation and the fruit of our lives for a very long time. I give glory to God for how He has shown mercy and the grace that we enjoy every day as a family that lives restored. You've seen it and you know its real.

But that is the question that keeps bouncing around in my head. If tomorrow comes and yesterday was all that I had left, what did I do with it?

Ultimately I am confronted by my campaign of "No More Wasted Time" and the questions of whether or not it has been a success? Have I stopped wasting time? Have I honored God with the opportunities He has given me? Have I done well in some areas but wasted time in some eternally important areas?

I could pinpoint those areas where I wasted time in my life so easily back then. I knew where I was a slacker, and I knew what had to change. I knew that I needed the Lord's help and I knew that there were areas where I simply needed to man up and just stop being lazy. Over the years I believe I can say in certain areas that it is "Mission Accomplished" or at least "Mission Accomplisheder" (I know that isn't a word, I simply do not care). 

But now, as I am seeing you, my little boy, enter into these strange and inappropriate conversations and plans for a child your age, it has led me to this constant place of flux where I am asking persistently, "What about my children? What about with him?" If yesterday is all I have, or if its too late somehow, what did I do with yesterday?

It may seem like we were "Fatman and the Boy Wonder" just yesterday, but we weren't. The truth is, it wasn't just yesterday and that is ok. It wasn't yesterday, it was much longer ago, and that is alright. You aren't that same little boy that you were yesterday, and that is just fine. No, it wasn't yesterday and that is ok...

For all my questions, I am coming to a place in this process of reflection where I can categorize and analyze the facts honestly. In doing that, I am finding there are some realities in which I am absolutely confident. For one, I am confident that I have in fact wasted many yesterdays. You walk through the house and for a split second, you are still that little boy who would sing and dance on camera without having to be coaxed or bribed. I watch you wrestle with your sister or pick on your mom and for a moment you're still that giddy, goofy little boy that would get so tickled at himself or us, that he couldn't breathe and we would have to give him a breathing treatment. It all seems like it was yesterday, but it wasn't and that's ok.

It's ok because that little boy knows that his daddy wasted a lot of those yesterdays as well. As confident as I am that those wasted moments and days exist, I am equally as confident that you could name those days specifically. I remember and so does that little boy. No, it wasn't yesterday and in the end, that's ok...

You and I have talked many times, about those days, my regret, and the pain that wasted time can cause. We have also talked about the beauty of healing that comes only from the grace of God and the gift of time. In the end, it wasn't yesterday at all, and that is ok. 

I'm confident there've been many mistakes and a lot of wasted time. But I've also found confidence in the reality that the same grace of God that gives healing from the pain of those wasted yesterdays, provides the merciful gift of new days. The question of "What did you do with yesterday?" does more than just call to mind echoes of wasted days. It stirs confidence and calls me to resolution for today. The Psalmist prayed: "teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom" (Ps.90:12).

We are not guaranteed tomorrow. It's foolish to think that we can even rely on it (James 4:13-17). But if the Lord gives us today, I can do something with that.

I've got some bad news for you, son. There will never come a time when you will not be that little boy with his giant bag of medicine, or the little boy up all night doing your strange projects or survival inventions.

Your mom will always call you "Boo" or "Boo-Boo" and more than likely, at the most embarrassing times. I will still see that little boy from time to time. But I want you to know that I see you today. I see who you have become in spite of those regrettable yesterdays. I see your talents, your heart, your mind, your potential, and your strength. I see the challenges you face and many that you don't see yet. 

But I see you today. I see who you are becoming and it makes me proud. I miss yesterday and I wish I could do some over again. At the same time, I wouldn't trade today for anything because I am so proud of who you are today.

Boyz II Men, got it wrong. It's only hard if tomorrow is unsure.

Sing it with me now, "It's so ha-a-aaard, to say goodby-yyye, to yesterda-aaaaa-yeeeeeeee." (Sidenote, vocal moves are seriously hard to spell.) As tight as the harmonies may be, and as catchy as it is, it's only true if tomorrow is unsure.

"I don't knooo-ooooowwwooo, where this roooo-ooaaad, is goin' to lee-aaad"... (Seriously, try it. Really hard.) I don't know if you will be Facetiming me to show off your lawn-lines, working for Fish & Game, or be in the ministry down the road. 

As your mom and I have always said, all we want is for you to love, honor, and serve Christ with your whole heart in whatever you do. As I said, I am coming to rest in the realities shaped by the things that I am most confident in. I am confident of some missed opportunities, the grace of God in His healing, and His mercy at this moment.

But I am confident of this most of all: "that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion..." (Phil. 1:6). Not all of our yesterdays were bad. It was on a yesterday that the Holy Spirit drew you to Christ in salvation. Along the way, there have been many good days. Days of progress and growth. Of course, for us both, there have been days where we've not progressed like we should and seemed to take steps backward in our growth. The journey is like that sometimes. You've heard me say it so many times, but please hear it again. Progress, not perfection. Pursue Christ every day, without fail, especially when you fail. Pursue Him.

Our yesterdays help shape who we are. The good, the bad, and the ugly. My prayers for you take on different shapes from day-to-day. But without fail, I pray the same prayer for you and your sister every single day. I ask the Lord to give you a heart that loves Him above everything else so that you will purpose not to waste your lives, but that you will give yourselves wholly to Him, for His purposes. Christ alone will be your joy. A life lived for anything is a life wasted. You were created for this. Anything less is a waste. I know that is true because of so many wasted yesterdays. 

Progress, not perfection. Pursue Christ every day, without fail, especially when you fail. Pursue Him.

I love you, Bud. I am so proud of you and I thank God for this day with you. I pray that I honor Christ with it, and honor the gift that we've been given in it.

P.S. Your hair looks great. I'm sorry mom made you shave your beard off. After your pics take a Nazarite Vow and never let a razor touch your face again. #GraveBeforeShave