"Ere I was old? Ah woful Ere,
Which tells me, Youth’s no longer here!
O Youth! for years so many and sweet,
’Tis known, that Thou and I were one,
I’ll think it but a fond conceit—
It cannot be that Thou art gone!"
From "Youth and Age" by Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Do you remember growing pains?
I don't recall ever hearing a medical professional mention or diagnose someone with "growing pains". But it wasn't some made-up thing, like "growth-plates". When I was growing up, you either broke a bone or you didn't. Back then, there was nothing that could be done for a broken digit, and no doctor anywhere ever spoke of a "growth-plate". But growing pains were for real. They existed. They exist because my mom told me so. I vividly remember feeling terrible. My whole body would ache, and it felt like I had been beaten all over. At that age, it was possible, but it wasn't some consequence that was causing my pain. According to my mother, it was growing pains. I was growing and it wasn't easy. In fact, it could be downright painful. The good news was, they wouldn't last forever. In my case, not long at all. Here I stand today, at my proud and final height of 5 feet, 7 inches tall. Well, at least when my posture is correct. The bad news was, that my mom failed to mention that growing pains are experienced outside of the body as well.
As we get older, we are able to look back and see that the most painful moments of our life have been the very moments in which we have grown the most. Sometimes the pain is caused by circumstances beyond our control, but we learned lessons and came out of those things more mature, and better for it. In many cases, we endured hardship and suffering caused by our own hands. The hope is that even out of our own mess, we can say that we've grown through the pains, and gained wisdom and experience that now shapes who we are, and how we live our lives. The fact is, growing pains are synonymous with growing older; they are a part of life. The pains have their purpose and place in the process of our growth. In fact, they are essential to our growth. Growing pains soften and shape us, and are meant to lead us into growth. So then, the question is, how are we growing? How are we responding to the prongs of the pains, meant to point us into life?
The idea of getting older and looking back is what brings me to this thought today. There was a time when I could tell no difference between a 40-year-old and an 80-year-old. Next week, I will turn 40, and I can assure you that there is a difference, and it is a great difference. I know that 40 is not old and that turning 40 is not a big deal. I have never had trouble with any of my birthdays. My precious wife, whose complexion is as bright and beautiful as the day we met in high school, has an annual tradition for each of her birthdays; she freaks out. Leading up to her birthday every year, she begins to talk about how she is getting old, which leads to thinking about how she has aged another year. This of course leads to the emotional roller-coaster of processing this reality. It usually goes from the standard, "Do you still love me?" insecurities, to the "I'm starting a new diet and exercise routine" fairly quickly. As the big day approaches, it escalates pretty quick. We move from "I don't want to do anything for my Birthday", to eating ice cream and binging Netflix saying, "I don't care. It is what it is." There is usually a calm right before her actual birthday, and then the strangest thing happens every year on March 15th. She wakes up, and she is totally fine. It's like she got it all out of her system, and it's just another day. It's amazing to watch. Seriously. Better than Shark-Week.
Me? I could honestly not care any less about my birthday. Most of the time, my wife has to remind me about my birthday. I just don't care. She would pick on me about turning 30, 35, or some other number, and I would shrug it off. But I saw 40 coming before she did. I can't explain it. I don't know if it is the age, or what has seemed like a perfect storm for reflective contemplation, but I have been in a spiral for months. My son graduated High School. My daughter is working a job. I am turning 40. FORTY! It has been one of the rockiest seasons of my life. If I am honest, it isn't turning 40, or my kids not being kids, that has led to this pre-mid-life spiral that I have been experiencing. These things are just surface issues. They have caused me to look at a lot of things, and I find myself thinking about layers of my life.
I should be further than I am right now; in so many areas. I wasted years pursuing empty joy, only to find the source of it, and what have I done with it? For years I neglected my family for the wrong things, and God was gracious to restore us, and us to Himself. So, what have I done with the years since then? Questions like this pile up, alongside questions toward God and His plans. I know what He has called me to, the heart that He has created in me. We were obedient, left our friends, our home, and stepped out to follow Him, not knowing what was next. I have felt the pains and I know that I have been growing, but how much more do I need to grow? How much longer will the pains last? When will I see the whole picture? I mean, come on God, I am about to be FORTY!
Questions. Doubts. A constant back and forth in my mind between me and God, but mostly me and myself. I have been wrestling and fighting, trying to make sense of it all. I am looking back over an almost 40-year timeline, and I see a lot of wasted time, but I see a lot of grace and mercy. I see the growing pains and the steps that have brought me to where I am today. It's a better place. I don't want to go back, and I don't for a second doubt that God knows exactly what He is doing. I am about to be 40, but He is eternal.
I ask the question again, how am I responding to the pains? Obviously, not too well. My family will tell you that it's a roll of the dice as to where my head will be from one minute to the next. I am still wrestling when I should be resting. But I am still feeling the pains, and I know I am still growing. In moments like these, I look back with a little more clarity. I see restoration, grace, mercy, and God's providential sovereignty leading every step of the way. I see the consequences of sin and the beauty of no condemnation because I am in Christ Jesus. I am able to look back with clarity because of the growth that has come through pain. The pains that I am experiencing now should serve to remind me of a couple of things. One, they should remind me of how God has worked by His Spirit to redeem even the darkest, and most painful moments of my life, to bring growth and life into this narrative, time and time again. Secondly, knowing those realities should serve as a constant reminder, that what He is doing now is to accomplish something. He is faithful to finish what He has started. As He has done before, He will do it again.
Yes, I am still dealing with growing pains. It's true that I am a slow learner, but we all face them. It could be something beyond our control or choices of our own. It could be in the waiting or in some process, but He intends to use it all for the good of them that love Him, and are the called, according to His purpose. He knows what He is doing, and all that He does is good. What He does is best, and that includes when and how He does it.
In the end, 40 isn't that old. Coleridge, like most poets, is a bit dramatic over the fact that we can't be young again. Youth is gone, we are no longer one; that's true. That painful reality gives way to the beautiful growth in which we can rest and say: the bones He has broken, He will make anew, and revive us to life in Him.
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