Dear Squirrel,
I have always warned you that once something is put on the internet, it's out there forever. Yet, I failed to warn you that sometimes the internet reminds you of what you've put on the web. Daily. It will remind you daily. I will say, it's not always a bad thing. Sometimes your digital imprint has memories of precious moments and solid status updates. Other times it's like a punch in the gut. It may be something you wore, something you said, or some other regretful update. Most of the time, it is simply the deafening sound of time marching on, at an incredible pace. Things that happened last week are actually things that happened 15 years ago. Some days it is uncut digital depression, and for some reason, we come back day after day. Days like today, for example.
This morning seemed no different than any other until the internet's memories began dropping on us.
I had just dropped you off at high school. We left a little early because you wanted to get breakfast, with your money, from your job. The signs were all around me, but I had once again slipped into a time coma. It's a very common condition where people fail to see the moments vanishing before their eyes. Here lately, I have had moments of clarity and revelation, and I've been able to see how fast it all goes by. But this morning, you were just my little girl going to school. You got all 17 of your bags, your poster project, and the Sprite you just bought and said goodbye. I didn't see anything unusually precious about that moment. Then, your mom had to go and look at her memories.
I get an alert telling me that your mom had tagged me in a photo. No surprise there. So, I open the alert to see a picture of me taking that same little girl to school, just like I did this morning. But there was a big difference between these two trips. The flashback from 2010 showed that little girl reaching up to hold her dad's hand. What happened? The little girl that I dropped off this morning can put her arm around my shoulders and is looking down at me most days. It was like someone had just robbed me and took something more valuable than I had even realized. I had once again been forced to catch up with time. Like a light bulb switched on, I can see reality, and all of my delusions scatter like bugs in the brightness. The facts that I fight desperately to face often come crashing in like this. The fact is, you're not that little girl anymore. The fact is, you will never be that little girl again. Part of me understands that it's a joy and privilege to watch you grow. There's another part of me that doesn't understand why you have to grow at all. It's a mixed bag of emotions, honestly.
But, I have to face the facts. My little girl is a young lady.
It's easy to lose sight of it all. You are still that giggly, goofy, fearless, and cautiously independent little girl. You can still be so naive, yet tenaciously inquisitive as if you can't function without understanding how the world works. You can still be desperately needy, and you still whine when you don't get your way. In so many ways, you are still that little 3-year-old girl. But I can't avoid what I see happening. I can't avoid the truth. You are not that little girl anymore. Your goofy giggles are harder to earn now. You're still fearless, but your independence is not as cautious as it once was. I can't fool you as easily anymore, and you've learned a lot about people and how things really are. You are still inquisitive, but your questions don't come as often, and you've learned to find the answers yourself. You're buying your own clothes, food, and entertainment. You have a savings account and goals for your savings. You still whine when you don't get your way, but you know how to accept your lot, whatever it may be.
You are thinking about your future and what it will take to get there. You are a friend to many and have a life outside of me and your mom. You have your own style, likes and dislikes, and your own opinion on everything. You keep a schedule, a job, and are a student and athlete. You notice boys and dream about who your husband might be. You talk about when you might have kids, a family, and a life beyond where you are now. You're getting ready to drive, graduate, and be Mrs. Ryleigh Trivette; because as I have said, he will have to take your name. There was a time when talk like this would be innocent nonsense from the imagination of a little girl. But nowadays, it seems like thoughtful planning from a wise young lady.
I can face the facts, but I am struggling with how to face them well.
It feels like there are so many lessons I should have taught you, and have yet to teach you. There are so many things that I need to say. There is a lifetime of things that I want you to know before you grow up all the way.
I want you to know you are beautiful in every way. I want you to know that looks aren't everything. I want you to know your identity isn't found in what you own, or what you can do. I want you to know that your value isn't determined by pricetags or acceptance. I want you to know that people will scar you. I want you to know that meaningful relationships with people matter. I want you to be able to take a punch from life, but I also want you to be able to defend from those blows and know when to land some of your own. I want you to raise the bar and the expectation, for yourself and for those around you. I want you to walk in the wisdom that comes from divine aid, and lessons learned. I want you to discover what's worth dying for and what's worth living for. I want you to take your time with life, love, and the future. I want you to cherish the moment you're given, by seeking to do all that you for the glory of Christ.
I want you to find love. I want you to know love because you have seen it in God's love and the love of those He gives you. I want you to find someone as you are both pursuing Christ. I want you to be a godly woman, wife, mother, and member of society. I want you to give your life for the Gospel alongside your family. I want you to know that life, marriage, parenthood, and adulthood are hard. I want you to see the priceless worth of living this life in the light of Christ. I want you to feel wounds and learn from them. I want you to experience healing and forgiveness. I want you to experience grace given and grace received. I want you to know what it takes to lead, and how important it is to serve. I want you to know that who you are is something to be treasured, and cultivated. I want you to see the mistakes of your past as milestones meant to remind you, not millstones meant to drown you. I want you to find out who you are and why you were created. I want to guide you, counsel you, and learn with you as you navigate the days ahead. I want to weep with you, rejoice with you, and most of all, I want to grow with you. No matter the years, no matter the distance, I just want to grow with you.
In the end, what I really want is for you to grow and for me to grow with you.
It's easier to process your growth if I can still be a part of that process. It thrills me to see the young woman you are becoming. It isn't easy, but I really do love it. I know I make empty threats about the things ahead, but I truly want to see it all come into reality. I want to be a part of every experience. I want to walk with you through every circumstance. I want to be the one who prays with you, warns you, and is there when you need a hero. I want to set the expectation for you for every other man in the world.
One day, I will be the other man in your life and that is a good thing. As long as I am in your life, I can do this. I just ask, please don't rush it. Don't waste these moments, and don't waste your life. I am so proud of the young woman you've become. I am excited to see the woman you will be. Just know that by God's grace, I will be there for all of it.
After all, you are still my little girl.
Love Always,
Dad
Comments
Post a Comment