Finding My Place

 

*If you're new here and aren't familiar with me, or our story, I think it's important that I make a critical disclaimer here:
"The only thing in this life that I am owed or deserve is the full wrath of God's judgment. Because of Christ, I don't have to. Anything beyond that is astonishing. Redeeming love has been my theme, and will be till I die. To follow Him and be called in Christ to serve is my greatest and only joy. This is not a bitter diatribe about "church members" or another blog from a depressed and overworked preacher on the brink. This is just about finding my place in Him, today where I am.

Recently I was able to visit and talk with a high school teacher near Birmingham, AL. This is his first full year teaching at his own alma mater and continuing his education through seminary. He believes that God has called him, in Christ, to pastor in some way, somewhere down the road. I believe it too. In fact, I called it over a decade ago; and definitely asked God to do it a few times. 

I had the privilege of being his student pastor, and have the honor of knowing him as a brother and a friend. We stopped through town on our way to help my son move home after finishing his classes. My friend was getting his classroom ready when I stopped in, so we tried to cram the last few years and months into our window of opportunity together. As we talked, I was overwhelmed by the grace of God and His work in our lives. I listened to my friend share his heart, and I began to hear him say things that sounded very familiar to me. 

He spoke of stepping out in faith, and the unexpected challenges of obedience. I could almost see the words coming out in BOLD red lettering, and underlined for my emphasis. He was certain of where God was taking him, but struggling to find his place. It was strange. If there was ever a "Full-Circle" moment, it was this one. My friend and I share the same heart.

He was certain of where God was taking him, but struggling to find his place.

When we moved to Birmingham all those years ago, I was a Student Pastor and Education Pastor; content to be either forever. I had entertained the idea of an associate-type role somewhere down the road, but take away any of those words before "Pastor" and I'm not that guy, pal. Trust me. Today, I am writing this from the "Pastor's Study" at St. Johns Baptist Church, in Ehrhardt, SC. If you've not heard of it, you aren't alone. Neither had we until God showed us on a map. You'll have to zoom in, but we call it home. 

Anyone who knows me will tell you that of all my flaws, boasting isn't normally one of them. If anything, I can be a little too self-deprecating. With that being said, I wouldn't say that I was ill-equipped or unprepared for the job itself. If pastoring was a job. I'm just saying, if it were a job, I believe you'd at least have to consider my resume based on experience alone. I even had some good learning along the way (formal education). But Pastoring isn't a job and no experience or education can prepare you for it. Quote me: "Anyone who says otherwise is lying." -Me, Circa just now.

Christianity is a supernatural work of faith and grace that brings the dead to life in an instant, followed by the natural process that follows any new birth; growth. Anything other than that isn't biblical Christianity. That process of growing in Christ comes about by the same power, grace, and faith that brought us new life. Daily, we grow by a child-like dependence on His Spirit, His Word, and His Provisions in Christ to follow Him. The Apostle Paul was more than just educated, he was smart. Arguably one of the greatest minds in known history. Paul said that all of life is found in the value and worth of knowing Christ (Phil. 3). Paul wanted to know the power of the resurrected Christ living and active in his life. Paul, who knew that power and lived that life, also said that getting to know Jesus this way is like mining into the "unsearchable riches" of who Christ is, and what it means to truly know Him. 

He summarizes it well at the end of the crescendo of Philippians 2:5-11. Because of what you have come to know in the Christ Jesus, because of His rightful Lordship over all things and pattern of humble submission to the Father; be obedient likewise, knowing that our heavenly Father who "began a good work in you, will bring it to completion" (Ph.1:6). Then, Paul gives us the key to this process; "work out your own salvation"; or demonstrate your genuine salvation through Christ-like obedience. We are not saved by works, but genuine faith produces genuine works. Anyone who is growing in grace by pursuing Christ will tell you that this is not easy; not in Paul's day or ours. Some days, it almost seems impossible. But, we know that to fail is impossible. Those who are in Christ will pursue Christ, obey Christ, and be conformed to His image because; "it is God who works (continually working) in you" and He has the same goal in mind; the glory of Christ in you. In fact, it is His "will" and "good pleasure" to do so (Phil. 2:12-13). 

For our family, the process has looked a lot like the kind of faith my friend described. Since I was his youth pastor, I have left the state, joined a church, moved to another church to serve, and am now in the low-country serving as pastor; the undershepherd of Christ. Our family can honestly say (yeah, I just spoke for them because I can quote them) that we have never made a move until we were certain that it was God telling us, or in most cases, dragging us where He was headed. You never get used to moving and it never gets easier. I am not talking about boxes and packing tape. 

What I mean is that it is never easy to uproot the family and stick them in a soil they've never seen before. It's never easy to say goodbye to "home" and friends, and have to navigate life in a community where, for a season, the only common ground you share is a majority vote that affirmed "Yes. We believe God has brought you here too." With my opening disclaimer in mind, I won't be bothered to tell you that some places are easier than others. Some people are easier than others. Some transitions are smoother, some honeymoons are longer, and sometimes we shake the dust off our shoes as we follow His footprints forward. It's important now that I add to my original disclaimer (see the top of page): Ehrhardt, SC is not on the negative side of the "Some" list above. 

As I re-write this very blog for the 3rd time in as many months; it is Saturday morning and I have had one of the most difficult weeks since I have been here. Read me, now. It isn't that this week was so unique or challenging. In fact, I came out of last Sunday's service feeling more confident and determined than ever. I have had more gospel conversations this week, and more teaching and preaching opportunities this week, than any week, since the last week of December. I can see God's hand working more than I have this week than any week prior in this place. I see His hand at work this very moment as I type these words, as clearly as the black pixels appear on the page. I have a blog so that I can clear my head, work on my writing, give Glory, and maybe encourage another pilgrim along the way. This blog post isn't about the struggles within a pastor's ministry. This is a post about the struggles within a pastor.

This blog post isn't about the struggles within a pastor's ministry. This is a post about the struggles within a pastor.

Out of all the hours and energy used this week, I have spent most of them up in prayer. I see Him working. I see and hear His words. This week I just needed to hear Him speak. Right now, if anyone other than my wife is still reading this, let me go ahead and stop you there. I know. I say it all the time. Want to hear Him speak audibly? Read your Bible out loud. It is His very words to us. I am talking about the quiet voice of calm assurance that rings out in a man's soul like a clap of thunder. It is the subtle whispers of wisdom and discernment that come in your confusing hours. It is the quiet confidence that fears nothing because "The Lord is my Shepherd..." and He is always "with me". 

This week, I have just sought to hear Him. I am not talking about an anti-biblical experience in addition to my all-sufficient Savior. I am talking about resting in His arms, weeping and groaning, while His Spirit bears witness for me, and interprets what I can't put into words. It's good grief. Charlie Brown was right! I have grieved over my own sin and faults. I have grieved over those of my brothers and sisters. Not because I am better than them or above them, but because I know Him. Like Isaiah, I have seen Him and so I say, "Woe is me! I am undone!" and so are they (Isa. 6). I have grieved over connections lost and those yet to build. I have grieved over the "should haves" and the "wish I could do that one over" moments. Most of all, I have grieved over the sovereignly gracious silence of my Lord. I can't describe it and if you know, you know. 

The inspired writers of the Psalms knew what was up. Just give that treasured collection a scan and you will see people at their lowest fighting for hope and joy in God while experiencing His deafening silence (see Ps.13,28,65,102, among many). They were all from different perspectives, contexts, and a variety of very real issues. Most of their issues make our modern-day "struggles" seem not so "real"; I including my own struggles in that blanket. Whatever the context or struggle, they all expressed the same thing: God, I believe you. I know you. Right now, I need you.

Probably my favorite example is Psalm 42. The Psalmist begins by describing his current condition: "As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God." What follows is a series of rhetorical questions and vivid imagery of this dry and barren heart. "When..." will I be in His presence, sing His songs or feel His melody in my heart again? "Day and night" the grieving believer can only digest the nutrients of the desert diet: "tears".  The faithful Psalmist and worshipper now stammers through the chorus, but he still sings. It has been so long since he felt that song, that he has to remind Himself of what it sounded like as he sings along with the "throng and..." and rehears the days when he would "...lead them in procession to the house of God" all the while singing and leading those "glad shouts and songs of praise." Right now, that song is faint tune in his memory, but he is fighting to hum along.

Then, the self-reflective question and answer for the ages: "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil with me? HOPE IN GOD; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God." How can this seemingly broken instrument be so confident that a song will one day return? Simple. His hope is in God. The Psalmist reminds himself; those are His waves and breakers that crashed into you, and as Spurgeon said, the Rock of Ages".  Out of the same heart flow words like, "I say to GOD, my rock; 'Why have you forgotten me?" Do you see the divine irony in that verse? To God, my rock... Why?  The Psalm ends without any conclusion to the problems. The enemies are still at the gate and God still feels silent. Yet, the Psalmist ends the song with a call-back tag from the first verse; "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil with me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God." 

As I finally conclude this nearly 4-month-old draft, I find myself in a similar place. I can barely see the hurdles in front of me, much less the ones coming down the road. I still feel an absence that I long for, and I'd give anything just to feel Him nudge me, reminding me that when the test is the hardest, the teacher is often the most silent. The tests don't end in this life and the lessons keep coming. But, isn't that the point? Christ died to awaken us into His life - a new life. The end goal is absolute perfection and glorification. In the eyes of God, it is accomplished in Christ. Soon, my eyes will see it completed as well. Until then, we progress to perfection and we hope in God. 

Listen. Care you hear it?

(softly hums "How Firm A Foundation" in the background)

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, Who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways… Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him…. Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with Whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of His own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of His creatures.” 

- JAMES 1:2-8, 12, 16-18